We need common-sense condom laws in order to prevent rape

I have long been troubled by the seemingly pervasive crime of rape. Public, political, and "news" media reaction to another egregious crime, murder, has given me an idea of how we can impose "reasonable" and "common sense" laws that will deal with the crime of rape:

• Limit all condom purchases to one condom per month per person.
• Purchases of more than one condom per month per person must be reported to government agents. (Yeah, I know that this conflicts with the one-condom-per-month-per-person rule, but contradictory government rules are the rule.)
• Condoms may only be stored in containers that will hold not more than 10 condoms -- no "high-capacity" containers.
• Condoms must conform to strict color, shape, and other aesthetic characteristics having no relationship to actual function so as to not be too scary to the uniformed.
• Condoms must must have a "sporting purpose."
• Condoms with exceptional effectiveness are prohibited.
• Each Condom must be marked with a unique serial number. Obliteration of this serial number is prohibited.
• Each condom must be used by an inspector before packaging for sale or distribution.
• The "fingerprint" of each condom must be recorded to facilitate the tracing of rapists.
• Each condom must include an illustrated booklet containing safety rules and instructions for approved use.
• Each condom must include a lock or built-in locking mechanism to prevent use by unauthorized persons.
• When not in use condoms must be locked to prevent use by unauthorized persons.
• When not in use condoms must be disassembled to prevent use by unauthorized persons.
• When not in use condoms must be stored separately from other items or materials used in sexual activity.
• Condoms must have safety mechanisms that prevent unintentional or accidental discharges should the safety rules not be followed.
• Condom manufacturers must provide samples to government agents for testing and approval before they may be sold to the public. Each change -- including color, size, texture, shape, etc. -- will require a new sample, new government testing, and new government approval.
• Condoms may only be purchased from licensed condom dealers.
• Condoms dealers must undergo close scrutiny from government agents including background checks, license fees, recurrent government inspections, and eternal retention of all paperwork related to each and every condom sale. Spelling errors or unapproved abbreviations in the dealer's paperwork are prohibited.
• Condom manufacturers, distributors, and dealers must be subject to extreme civil penalties should anyone ever misuse a condom including, but not limited to, the commission of a crime.
• All persons who intend to buy, possess, or use condoms must first take a condom safety class from a government-approved trainer, pass a condom safety test, and possess a Condom Owner's Identification (COID) card.
• All condom purchasers must pass a background check prior to any acquisition of any condom(s).
• Condoms may not be sold or otherwise transferred to residents of another State.
• Condoms may not be possessed or used by persons who use illegal drugs or who are addicted to drugs and/or alcohol.
• Condoms may not be used by persons who are intoxicated.
• Condoms are prohibited in churches establishments that serve alcohol.
• Condoms may not be possessed or used by persons who are the subject of a restraining order.
• Condoms may not be possessed or used by persons who have been convicted of a felony.
• Condoms may not be possessed or used by persons who have been convicted of misdemeanor domestic violence.
• Condoms may not be inherited by an heir or gifted from one person to another unless the ownership is transferred through a licensed condom dealer.
• All condom purchases must be recorded on a document that is available to government scrutiny at the government's discretion.
• There must be a waiting period of 7 days after a condom purchase before the purchaser may take possession of the condom(s).
• "Straw purchase" of condoms for any person who is not authorized by the government to possess or use a condom is unlawful.
• Condoms may not be sold or otherwise transferred at any public gathering such as a gay pride event, abortion rights rally, etc.
• One must be at least age 21 to buy a condom.
• Condom use by a person under age 18 must be supervised by an adult.
• Persons under age 18 who use a condom must have, in their possession, written permission of a parent or guardian.
• Possession of a condom within 1,000 feet of a school is prohibited.
• Condoms are prohibited in churches.
• Condoms are prohibited in government buildings including post offices.
• Condoms are prohibited in businesses where management has an irrational fear of condoms.
• Employees may not possess condoms in businesses -- including parking lots -- where management has an irrational fear of condoms.
• Of course, politicians, judges, other government agents, and politically-connected non-government persons need not comply with and of the above rules and government agents will continue to have unfettered authority to impose non-consensual sex, with or without condoms, on any member(s) of society they choose at any time at taxpayer expense.

Silly, you say? All these restrictions are imposed or proposed on responsible gun owners somewhere in the "land of the free and the home of the brave." Not one of these 20,000+ "common sense" and "reasonable" laws and rules really has done anything to affect criminal behavior or criminal use of firearms. But, surely, similar "common sense" and "reasonable" regulation of condoms will reduce or eliminate rape.

You say that one need not possess or use a condom to commit rape? True enough. Cannot the same can be said for other forms of violence, including attacks on school children?

How about this: We could simply outlaw rape and murder and imprison or stone all rapists and murderers and simply leave all responsible adults alone!